My dilemma, please help

[WillPower]

Hi guys, this is my first post. I tick all the boxes of an addict and though the reality is harsh I am happy to have found this place. I will be reading up on all the info found here over the coming weeks. I have though a dilemma, maybe a unique one and maybe I can explain it to you and seek some feedback.

I am 32 years old and still a virgin due to reasons of faith and not believing in sex before marriage. In 2006 I moved to a small town and lived there for a year and a half. While there, I met a girl at my job whom I honestly found more attractive than any other girl I have ever seen in my life, and this includes the celebrity world. I was completely bowled over by her beauty. She aroused my sexual desires to the degree that the slightest physical contact with her would cause non-orgasmic seminal secretions. I masturbated daily, most of the time after returning home from being with her. Unfortunately she acted as a trigger and although I managed to quit looking at porn for an entire year while living in this town despite having the internet in my apartment and living alone, once I let myself slip back, I went down into the spiral fast.

The dilemma is, over that time I struck up a friendship with her and she fell in love with me, however despite the greatest of physical attraction, due to striking incompatibilities in personality I didn't develop feelings of true love or friendship for her. So my dilemma is that in some ways I feel I could find complete sexual gratification if I married her, however I am also convinced that we would have a most problematic marriage for all of the other reasons. As a result of feeling sure a relationship would not work I left this town over a year ago in the hope that time would cause her memory and the subsequent triggering to fade.Yet despite a year passing now, just the thought of her still provides the trigger that has me masturbating and eventually viewing porn.

So my dilemma is double-edged. If I was to pursue a relationship with her and get married, I am sure the relationship would be a disaster. However, as time passes I still find myself obsessing and fantasizing in my memories of her to the degree that the pull of porn is always just moments away. It's probably too late for me to pursue anything with her even if I wanted to at this stage, but I am still stuck with the sexual cravings that have never been as strong in my life. I really feel trapped in a Catch-22 which I hoped would have gone away. Please realise that this is not a "broken heart" issue, but a very real sexual/porn addiction that I don't see a way out of. Please help me with your thoughts on this. Thank you

[recovered]

first, congratulations on waiting until you are married for intimacy.

ok, i have a few questions for you. why do you think your marriage would be a disaster? different beliefs? values? what?

it sounds like you might have allowed porn to alter your perception. i don't know for sure but linking this beautiful woman with your desire to watch porn, seems like a distorted view. how long have you been struggling with porn? have you ever looked for help or is this the first time?

i know for me the innergold program worked miracles. if this woman is such a trigger for you, to the point of fluids, how are you viewing her? is she just a sex object like how porn portrays women? are you visualizing intimate moments? again, it sounds like porn may have distorted your view of things. i have seen this in my own life. when i used to watch porn i would always think about doing those things that i saw in the pictures. i would try to get my wife to do some of those things. unfortunately, i started viewing her as an object. NOT GOOD!

first off, i would recommend starting to change the trigger. when the trigger starts to happen; recognize it and than tell yourself to go do something else. go run/get exercise and then i would look at how your viewing that person.

it sounds to me like there could be happiness in a relationship but your not even giving it a chance because you keep turning to the porn so you need to get that under control first. the only thing i have found that worked for me is the innergold system.

keep posting so we can better understand what is going on.

[IGC Moderator]

I am going to be completely honest with you here:  It appears you are a normal man with normal desires. Sexual drive is not a bad thing. Without sexual drive, how would this world and humanity continue. Like you mentioned, sexual drive is not enough in and of itself for a satisfying marriage. Sex is important in marriage however.

Your addiction to porn and lustful fantasizing is what you can focus on finding sobriety in. Thinking of women and finding them attractive in and of itself is natural and not a bad thing.

The Innergold Program will guide you though understanding this addiciton and learning the language of sobriety.

[WillPower]

Hi Helen, please do post that link, thanks