Willpower...I am going to respond in a way that may shock you a bit. If you are confused at all, please ask for clarification. Looking for ways to "detest" the porn will not work long-term. Your cycle is one where "the fight" is at the forefront. If you have read the Innergold Manual you know what I mean by "the fight." You slip, feel guilty, than start to fight the pornography and strong-arm it as far away as you can....than slowly the cycle creeps back in. The addicted brain has become trained to need the porn or substance as a survival mechanism. Porn becomes part of the limbic system just like air, water, etc... It becomes a cyclical and trained part of survival. It is like trying to tell your brain to detest water or food. Sexuality is tied directly to the same limbic region of the brain as the need for food and water. You are going to have to look at things completely different for long-term sobriety.
"Fighting" something that is part of survival is futile. "IT" will always manipulate, justify, and sneak its way back in if you "fight it." The fact is that we are created to desire sex and intimacy, an inherent and natural part of life. The naked body is very attractive and desirable...that is a fact and frankly it is a good thing. This desire is what drives mankind to create and continue life. Porn skews this natural desire into cyclical destructive pattern that can never be satisfied. One time is too many...a thousand times never enough (Innergold manual quote.) Although skewed, Porn is very tantalizing and desirable, it just never satisfies and leads to negative consequence over time. Fighting this fact is what creates the cycle and threatens your survival mechanism. I am NOT saying to just give in
This is where surrender comes into play. Usually after indulging, the addict does something like this "Porn is so bad, i feel so guilty, I can not look at it. Awful, bad...how can I look at something so terrible? I am so bad for looking at this." This response is what leads to the shame and guilt cycle which threatens our survival tenancies and creates us to cycle again and again.
Instead of the shame and guilt cycle the attitude must change to something like "OK...I feel the urge to look at porn. That would be nice and yes it would feel good for a while. But "IT" will not satisfy long-term although it would be nice initially."
Or when you see something that triggers you and gets that fire starting to burn you say, "Ahhhh there "IT" is again. That is my limbic system. Giving into that temptation may be nice but "IT" will not lead anywhere good. Thank you "IT" for reminding me."
In other words, stop fighting and start practicing the language of surrender. Pick yourself up quickly and do not guilt or shame yourself. I am not saying to justify but do not guilt and shame. This negative pattern always leads back to porn.
Do the "DAILIES" work on relapse prevention worksheets. Meditate daily and begin training your brain in the new language of recovery. Over time compulsive survival behavior will turn in to surrender. This is a process. You have spent years looking at porn and this new language does not become fluent over night...it must be practiced over and over.
