Newbie

[Vista2010]

Hello,
I'm new to this and have a few questions.
To start with let me just tell you that porn has almost ruined my life...I say "almost" simply because I'm holding out hope that something can be salvaged from it.
My wife of 15 years has left me because of porn.
I didn't admit to her that I was an addict until after we separated. Because I didn't know I was.
I always blamed our lack of intimacy on high blood pressure meds and various physical ailments....but, all the while, it was porn.
I was raised around porn. My dad and uncles always had it. It's always been a part of my life.
Porn has caused me to make some very stupid decisions in my life. Some that could have caused me and my family great harm.
I am embarassed and ashamed of my behavior (as well as my spelling).
I've been living at the office for two months. I'm the boss,so it's ok. Each day is hell.
I think about what I am losing...Wife, Kids(who don't call) friends (who don't call), my home, a neice that I adore, my dog, my dignity.
I'm angry...very angry.
I ordered the innergold program because it seemed to teach in the way I like to learn. Just telling me I have a problem isn't enough. I need to know WHY there is a problem and how the problem is effecting me.

Here are my questions.
I just started reading the program and did a fearless moral inventory. That was a lot harder than I thought it would be.
I did the rocking chair exercises and am about to write my letter to the addicted me.
Are these supposed to be done at the same time?
Is there a time line? or can I take my time with each assignment?

In any case, please pray for me. I'm gonna need it.

[IGC Moderator]

Thank you for being so honest and up front.  As you know, secrecy a huge power in driving this addiction and your willingness and honesty are powerful tools in healing.  You asked a great question about how fast to do things.  The answer is that it is up to you.  Taking time to ponder in the progression of the program is just fine. On the same note, the limbic (addict) brain will be active in making excuses as well.  Be diligent and consistent but in a way that works for you. Do something every day...and get started with the Dailies as soon as you can. you can find the daily download on the Innergold.com free downloads on the homepage.

You are right that some of the exercises bring up deep emotion.  This kind of honest and reflective emotion is good...it helps bring change.  Be cautious however in "beating yourself up" emotionally. This type of negative emotion is a huge trigger for most.  I'm not saying to ignore the realities but use the powerful emotions as drivers towards positive progress vs. negative self-loathing.

You are not alone in this journey. Tens of thousands are addicted. Most are in denial and many will never admit what you are so willingly admitting and desire to change. You are one of the few taking the steps and making the changes. Take courage in knowing this...you are on the right path.  We have seen many at this "rock bottom" diligently follow the steps of the Innergold program and over time, healing occurs and hope is restored.

Lastly, remember that this is a journey...a process of recovery.  Be patient with yourself. Take one day at a time. Recovery is about learning a new language and a new way to live. There will be ups and downs. Dwell on the ups and quickly learn from any downs and move past them. Let us know if you have any additional questions.  Stay the course and don't give up. Of course our prayers are with you.

[recovered]

i asked gordon this same question and he said, "it is up to you". you can take your time with each assignment and process everything or you can also go through it. i know some people who are going through it again and again because they learn something new each time.