Afraid I won't know who I am

[WillPower]

Hey guys, it's now been a month and 4 days since looking at porn and, more significantly, masturbating or even touching myself in any arousing way.  I am very happy to have made it this far and thanks to Innergold, I am confident that, one day at a time, I will distance myself further and further from this plague.
What's troubling me though is that I have been able to achieve this before (abeit without Innergold) and now I'm remembering one of the challenges I felt the last time I went for some months without masturbation. I remember becoming afraid of not knowing who I am. I began masturbation from about 10 and it has always been a regular feature of my life. It was there when I was happy, sad, stressed, bored, excited, lonely, tired, I'd do it as a reward, as punishment, as relief, as an experiment, in rebellion... basically the point is, it was always there accompanying me through everything I went through. Now that I am attempting to cut it from my life, I am getting scared as to who I will be as I don't really know who I am with its absence from my life. I almost feel like I need to reinvent myself, but that seems scary because that sounds like so much hard work that has masturbation/porn waiting there on the side for me to fall.
I noticed a couple of the audio blogs refer to this matter and are greatly encouraging. The story of the bluebird who gave up its wings for the worms resonates well, as does the entry by someone who said that porn addicts are often people who are very imaginative, creative and entrepreneurial and with the absence of porn in their lives, they can develop the sides of their personality that have been neglected and start living a much higher quality of life. What’s more with the BLAST rule in mind, I do know that porn/masturbation has always been far more of a crutch when I’m experiencing negative emotions but generally far less of a need when things were going well, therefore in its absence I should be so occupied with the real things that make up my life. I think what’s scary is how I’ve never actually been there and am afraid of the unknown, even if it promises to be better.
Sorry if this sounds a little over dramatic, I think I'm having a bad day and the cravings are digging in a bit. Maybe, only good can come from its absence, but on days like today, I feel a little lost. Does anyone relate?

[Rorshack]

For me what has helped is my daily statement and it may not fit for you but you can get the general
idea of what you tell yourself everyday. Who am I? I am joseph, Daniel, and Paul. I am rorshack and
spiderman. I am an instrument of GOD in a dark desolate place. I hate wickedness and abhor evil.
I stand for justice, truth, and purity. I am the superhero in my dreams. This is who I am.

This is my daily statement to myself and it keeps me in check with who I deeply desire to be.
To separate the voice from ourselves is vital. There is a dark side in me and I know when he speaks.
Whether I respond to him is the issue. I have learned to not deal with the voice but rather give it a
less powerfull drug. What I am saying and some might not agree with me is, If the craving comes
dont look at what you usually look at. Step it down to a lighter degree of porn. I know we need to
stop looking and I am all for that but when I fail I feel like we can take it down a bit. Dont give
the voice what it fully desires. I think that we can eventually step by step go backwards to the entrance
of this dark cave. YOUR IDENTITY IS IN YOU , FINDING IT IS THE KEY. SEPARATE FROM THE VOICE AND
LEARN HIS METHODS ONLY THEN WILL YOU BEGIN TO ESTABLISH WHO YOU ARE AND HOW YOU WILL
HELP OTHERS IN THIS WAR.
GODspeed

[recovered]

for me, i can't even give in to a little bit or it will consume me. read the treatment system over and over and meditate. it helps. the more you change your thoughts the more it helps to change the behavior. it used to be a fight, with nail biting, etc.; now, it is just recognizing, "it" and changing my thoughts to something else. i don't dwell on it. i move on.

i have found if i start thinking about it, in depth. this only increases my desire to act out. change the thought completely. use one of the dog tag messages. the one i have says, "trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."

the dog tag really helps.

[IGC Moderator]

Great advise from the forum members.  When sobriety begins becoming a part of life and who we are, there is a new flow of energy.  This energy is looking for something to grasp onto instead of the addiction.  This can leave one feeling a little overwhelmed and lost at the prospects of life.  Take and channel the energy in healthy ways. A hobby, serving, work, family time, etc... What is it you like to do? What are healthy activities you like?

Your limbic system has survived in an unhealthy way with the crutch of addiction and now it feels a sense of loss and emptiness.  Look at this as a positive feeling. Often times addicts get scared with this new energy and just switch one addiction for another, so be aware of this all too common trap.  

Remember, just one day at a time. Focus on your future picture statement and look to the future in hope and possibility rather than fear.  Life in and of itself is a rollercoaster and that is just a part of living.  Stay optimistic and look at the future as an adventure that is unfolding in new and healthy ways.   Keep up with the dailies and meditation...this really helps stay grounded and focused.

[WillPower]

Hi guys, thanks for the replies. Well more than a week since my post and, yes, I have to say it is all very positive. Like IGC Mod said, I can see how it's all part of forming the new identity and I feel that as I slowly get used to the "new me", the one that isn't constantly consumed with the next fix, my mind is free to be on all kinds of interests and activities that I should be pursuing.

It's now coming up to an entire month and a half since I have committed self-abuse and a bit longer since having had fed my mind on anything untoward and while I am nowhere near out of the danger zone I am delighted that by following the Innergold steps I have maintained sobriety with, so far, no REALLY difficult days. In fact I honestly forgot about the fight for a few days as I was busy with other matters. It's like I am now getting a glimpse into the person I could be, once free from the addiction monkey on my back. Don't get me wrong, I do comprehend that I will never be free from the danger of relapsing, but I do want to be at a place where it's not dominating my life so much that it's defines my character.

Thanks guys, this "afraid of not knowing who I am" came from a natural "fear of the unknown", however I'm slowly learning about my new reality and the more I "know" about it the better I'm feeling.

[IGC Moderator]

WillPower...

That was a great post! What you just explained is what we call cautious optimism.  This optimism drives our progression and focus forward.  On the same note, it is about being cautious like you explained.  Doing the daily things and always knowing if we let our guard down, the limbic system will be waiting.  It is almost a sure thing that when clients come in and have had major slips or a relapse that they have stopped doing the dailies, meditating, too much free time, etc...  The times where the dailies feel overly routine or like we just don't need them anymore is a climactic point where its time to dig our heels in and just keep it up.  This is what long term sobriety means.

Hang in there, keep it up and thanks for the post.

[akdia]

Keep going Willpower. Sometimes it seems daunting the tasks that lay at hand but just take it one day at a time.

[WillPower]

Thanks for the encouragements guys. Yes the "cautious optimism" is exactly where I'm at and it makes perfect sense! Interestingly, it is markedly different from the "unrealistic optimism" I had once at a time I had achieved sobriety before Innergold's help. I mistakenly but understandably started to think I had the problem beat and this caused me to relax my thoughts and let my mind wander to the places it shouldn't, it wasn't long before the pull of the tide caught me and dragged me way out beyond my depth. Now I'm doing the activities even when I don't think I need them, I'm not even allowing certain thoughts to settle in my head before I've moved them on and it's amazing how easy it is to pull up the weed before it has taken root. The key is now eternal vigilance to ensure it never does.

It feels so good to understand this stuff and begin to gain mastery over it. I never thought I'd reach the day.